Relationships | Healthy Interdependence
Seeking Connection Between Two Extremes
As humans, we are inherently wired for connection.
This fundamental need to bond with others often leads us to form deep, meaningful relationships, and to get our needs met. We are literally designed to function best around others. Throughout human history, this biological need helped us survive as a species. In the present, however, finding a balance between relying fully on yourself and relying fully on others can be tricky.
In therapy, many people come to us struggling with extremes at either end of the spectrum. Some find themselves in a hyper-independent state, where they find it difficult to rely on others or allow themselves to be vulnerable. In romantic relationships, they may struggle with cultivating intimacy, and their partners may feel disconnected or undervalued. They themselves often yearn for more connection, but find it hard to build.
Others find themselves in relationships that are codependent, where they get lost in their partner’s needs at the expense of their own boundaries and sense of self. They might find themselves ignoring their own needs to focus on a partner, or neglecting other relationships and activities that are important to them. Alternatively, they may look to a partner to provide them with support and self-esteem, in a way that ignores the partner’s own needs or boundaries. Their relationships often become unbalanced, with support going mostly in one direction.
Interdependence and Finding Balance
You don’t have to choose between being fully independent or fully dependent on someone else. This healthy balance of finding autonomy and connectedness is known as interdependence.
Interdependence, for a couple, means that both partners can rely on each other while maintaining their own identities and autonomy. It’s about mutual support, respect, and shared responsibility.
Healthy Interdependence and Cultural Influences
Our idea of what is healthy and unhealthy in a relationship is heavily influenced by cultural values and norms. The idea that two people are reliant on each other makes us feel uncomfortable because we’re taught to value independence in the US. Some Americans may cringe at seeing a couple that spends all their time together, or a man that looks to his girlfriend for emotional support when he’s feeling sad. But those behaviors aren’t actually signs of codependency when there is space for mutual give-and-take in the relationship.
The cultural belief in hyper-independence is not shared around the world. There are many cultures that focus on community and interdependence rather than independence. This difference in belief can lead to clashes between couples from different cultural backgrounds as they work to develop a balance of depending on each other, and having space for themselves as individuals.
Here are some suggestions to get you started on fostering healthy interdependence in your relationship:
Build your self-awareness
Instead of being stuck in an idea of who we are that doesn’t work, we get to take time to think about why it doesn’t work. Then we look to find things that work better. Sure, there’s a risk of being misunderstood by those who thought the default role you were given was the true you. But there are also the rewards of connecting with those who truly see us—and perhaps even help us see ourselves.
That kind of love and support can be relied upon and felt deeply. It’s based on really seeing and loving one another for who you are, not who it would be beneficial for you to be.
Prioritize your trust and commitment to one another
Trust is essential for healthy relationships, and it’s easier to develop a healthy interdependence when you trust one another. Trust is built and maintained over time. And you can prioritize building trust with each other as you work toward a more interdependent relationship. When you trust that your partner has your back, it’s easier to communicate about what you want without worrying you’re going to start a huge fight.
Practice asking for what you need
Asking for help isn’t always easy, and it can help to practice and build the skill over time. You can start small: Ask for help with something minor, and work your way up to asking for bigger things. It’s also important for you to listen when your partner asks for help. There will be times when you need help and times when you give help, and that’s all part of a balanced relationship. Remember that it’s okay to ask for help!
Encourage one another’s interests and successes
Knowing you can turn to each other in moments of joy and excitement can help you feel closer to your partner. Developing separate interests as individuals can give you a perfect opportunity to encourage one another! Make sure to celebrate each other’s successes and encourage one another to pursue your passions. Cheer each other on. Learn about what they care about. Finding things you’re interested in separately also gives you lots to talk about when you are together.
Prioritize communication
Relationships can’t last without good communication. Conversations about codependence can be emotionally charged, and it’s easier to bring things up when you’re already in the habit of communicating openly about things. Practice active listening when you’re talking to your partner — don’t listen to respond, listen to understand. Use “I” statements to express yourself without blaming or criticizing. Building healthy interdependence in your relationship requires open, honest, regular communication so that you know where you both stand.
Create shared experiences
Having shared experiences as a couple can help you feel closer. While it’s important to have your own interests outside of your relationship, it’s also fun to have joint interests that you can nurture together. Develop rituals and activities that you both enjoy. These shared experiences can strengthen your bond and create lasting memories.
Nurture your outside support system
Part of building a healthy sense of interdependence in your relationship means that you have multiple sources of support. It’s important to spend time nurturing all of the relationships that provide support to you, like friendships. It’s not sustainable to be someone’s sole source of support, even when you love them very much. When your partner is the only person you can turn to for support and connection, you may end up needing more from them than they can provide in a sustainable way. After all, they have their own needs, too!
Practice leaning on your entire support system rather than only leaning on your partner. Try talking to someone else about a problem so that your partner is not the only person holding all your stress. If your partner is busy or overwhelmed with their own life, ask someone else to tag in for help instead of putting something else on their plate. If there are activities that you enjoy but your partner doesn’t, ask someone else to do it with you.
Practice handling conflict
Conflict is a part of being in relationships. It’s inevitable, and it can be helpful to approach conflict with that in mind. Just because conflict is inevitable doesn’t mean that it’s not distressing when it happens, though. When you’re upset, it can be hard to remember what to do in the moment. Practicing some new conflict resolution skills can make it easier. Try to shift your mindset of the conflict being you vs. your partner to you and your partner vs. the problem.
Remember that underneath conflict is often an unmet need, like knowing that you matter to your partner. Try to step into your partner’s shoes when you disagree, and approach them with curiosity rather than judgment. Focus on finding solutions that respect both of your needs.
Remember, it’s normal to struggle with finding a balance of interdependence that works for you and your partner. Working with a couples therapist during this process can help you and your partner navigate these complexities and build a fulfilling, resilient relationship. Our couples therapists have appointments available, reach out today to get started.
About Stella Nova
Stella Nova is a California-based mental health clinic offering online therapy for women and members of the LGBTQIA+ community. We support the mental health needs of individuals and couples, with a particular focus on serving BIPOC and adult children of immigrants. Our therapists specialize in anxiety, burnout, depression, and more.
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