Coping With Infidelity | Tips From A Couple Therapist

What if it’s not the “most wonderful time of the year?”

There’s no easy time to face the agony of betrayal after learning about a partner’s affair. Or, on the other hand, dealing with the aftermath of engaging in one yourself. That said, the holiday season can be a particularly difficult time to heal from infidelity. Social obligations can become overwhelming and expectations of joy, merriment, and celebration are high.

If you find yourself in that position this year, I’m deeply sorry—there is neither a quick nor easy solution. However, if you’re hoping to stay together and work towards recovery, I hope the following tips may support you.

Similarly, if you’ve betrayed your partner and are committed to cutting off the interfering relationship, you may be experiencing grief you can’t share with anyone. Feelings of shame are normal—quite frankly, most of society looks down on your behavior, and maybe you’ve already experienced some backlash from friends or family. It’s okay to acknowledge that you’re also in pain, because you’ve also experienced a loss.

If you’ve decided to recommit to the relationship you stepped out on, it’s important that you have someone non-judgmental whom you can talk to. It’s also important to acknowledge that stepping back into your relationship won’t be easy.

Set Boundaries and Attempt Open Communication

Infidelity often results from a breakdown in communication in the relationship, and it also can create further breakdowns in communication. Often the involved partner wants to sweep everything under the rug, move on, or “get back to normal.” While this impulse is strong, it’s counterproductive to healing. Rebuilding trust requires communicating openly and with empathy moving forward. You don’t have to resolve everything in one conversation, so make time to have smaller conversations when you have downtime from holiday activities.

In the aftermath of betrayal, it’s important to set clear expectations about what behavioral changes are expected moving forward. If you’ve engaged in an affair, you’ll likely have to begin accepting your partner’s influence in ways that feel uncomfortable. Be willing to make some changes if repairing the relationship is the objective.

Seek Support

If you’ve been betrayed, it may be tempting to share your experience with anyone willing to listen. During the holidays, there may be plenty of opportunities to share your grief with family. But if you’re trying to repair your relationship, try to enlist outside support to contain your distress. Terry Real (founder of Relational Life Therapy) suggests preserving your relationships with immediate family while you navigate betrayal by sparing them details, as other ruptures in the family system may be equally difficult to repair.

Real also points out that a romantic betrayal can bring up other, longstanding wounds. If you experienced abandonment as a child, it may be especially difficult to spend holiday time with family as you’re coping with infidelity.

Betrayal is a relational problem that isn’t solved individually. If you’re having difficulty communicating with one another, seek the support of a professional couple therapist (rather than relying on your individual therapist) to navigate the grief your relationship is experiencing.

You may also find it helpful to seek support from online forums, courses and webinars, or literature on the topic. A few books I recommend are After the Affair (Janis Spring), What Makes Love Last: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal (John Gottman and Nan Silver), and The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity (Esther Perel).

While healing from infidelity and rebuilding trust may seem daunting particularly during a season of merriment, it’s okay to take things one step at a time. Acknowledge that healing is nonlinear and may proceed slowly. Explore why you’re invested in trying to repair the relationship, and also take note of any ambivalence. As challenging as it may be to accept, couple therapist John Gottman gently reminds us that “not every relationship can or should be saved” (What Makes Love Last), so remember to be kind to yourself as you figure out what’s best for you.