Nonviolent Communication | Advice from a Therapist | Couples Therapy
Nonviolent Communication, developed by Marshall Rosenberg, is often one of the first skills I introduce to therapy clients. It’s great for individuals and couples alike, because it’s a simple method for increasing understanding and reducing conflict in relationships.
NVC is about cultivating a language of compassion. It’s both a spirit and a process. And, while it’s fairly straightforward, I’ve witnessed swift and dramatic improvements in couples’ attunement. Their listening skills, kindness, and willingness to understand their partners can blossom once they get practicing. Here I’ll share an overview and some additional resources so you can start applying NVC skills in your relationships—whether with your partner, family, friends, or even roommates.
Empathy and Honesty As Core Values in Nonviolent Communication
NVC has two values at its core: empathy and honesty.
Empathy is multifaceted and it doesn’t necessarily mean putting yourself in the other person’s shoes. When we practice self-empathy, we are more in tune with our own feelings and needs. Likewise, when we approach a conversation with empathy, we’ll likely be more receptive to our partner’s experience and truth. We aim to co-create a culture of listening to understand.
Honesty is equally important in NVC. We aim to express what bothered us with compassion and in a nonjudgmental manner, offering helpful suggestions for repair. If you have difficulty expressing yourself honestly without coming across as “brutally honest,” I highly recommend Lying, a quick read by Sam Harris championing the art of telling the truth in difficult situations.
The Four Part Process: Observation, Feeling, Need, Request
Naming Your Observation
The first step in NVC involves naming your observation. Can you identify exactly what bothered you? Be as specific as possible. This might be something that was said or done, and it’s important to be objective. Pretend you are a reporter naming the facts while refraining from making interpretations.
Throughout the NVC process, you will be focusing on using “I statements” as often as possible, though it may be appropriate to use “you” when naming your observation. An example observation using NVC may look like this: “I noticed when I came home from work today that you didn’t take out yesterday’s trash like you said you would.”
If you tend to lead conversations with a “harsh start-up,” you may appreciate this additional resource from The Gottman Institute on softening your approach.
Naming Your Feeling(s)
The next step involves sharing how the event made you feel. Focus on “I statements” such as “I felt disappointed/frustrated/angry/annoyed/etc.” This Feelings Wheel can be helpful with identifying more nuanced emotions if you need support.
One common misstep I notice when clients are beginning to use NVC is a tendency to insert “you statements” during this step. This often results in statements like “I feel like you don’t care about me” or “I feel you hate me,” which make an assumption about your partner’s internal world and can elicit defensiveness.
Instead, focus on naming your feelings without adding an interpretation. “I feel like you don’t care about me,” might be better expressed in this situation as “I feel alone,” or “I’m feeling unloved.”
Identifying Your Need(s)
Once you’ve identified how the situation made you feel, you can begin exploring your needs. Feelings arise naturally when our needs are or are not met, and identifying unfulfilled needs can help you begin conceptualizing your request. For example, if you are feeling lonely or neglected, you may be experiencing a need for love, connection, warmth, or understanding.
I’ve noticed that clients often have difficulty with this step and find identifying their needs challenging. Many have found this list to be a helpful reference. In his book, Rosenberg shares a useful example of how the same observation (a friend running 15 minutes late for a coffee date) might arouse different feelings depending on one’s needs at the moment. If you only had 30 minutes to catch up on an otherwise busy day, you may be feeling frustrated by your friend’s tardiness because you need your time to be respected. If, on the other hand, you’re feeling frazzled from your busy day and need a moment’s peace, you may be feeling grateful for your friend’s delay.
Making a Request
Now that you’ve clearly communicated the specific observation, feeling, and need, it’s time to make a request! Consider what outcome you’d like now that you’ve named what bothered you and phrase this as a positive need—e.g. ”Would you be willing to…” or “Can we try this instead?” Sharing what your partner can do to be more helpful is more effective than asking them what not to do, as it takes the guess-work out of the desired behavior.
Putting It All Together
What does this mean in the context of a real-world conflict? Let’s say you have a frequent complaint about something your partner forgets to do, such as take out the trash. Before learning NVC skills, you might come home exhausted from work and say something like, “I can’t believe this house is such a mess! How come you never take the trash out when you say you will? Do I have to do everything around here?!”
With NVC, you’ve learned some skills to execute a gentler (and hopefully more effective!) approach. “When I came home today from work, I noticed you didn’t take the trash out, and you’d said you’d take care of it yesterday. I felt really frustrated at first, and then I noticed I’ve been tired from work and in need of rest and more support around the house. Would you be willing to take the trash out now and help with the dishes tonight?”
If you’d like more information on Nonviolent Communication, I love sharing this nuanced description from The Fearless Heart with clients, but nothing beats getting your hands on a copy of the book!
About the Author
Megan Sullivan-Tuba, AMFT, is an associate therapist providing online therapy to individuals and couples in California. She specializes in support people to build their skills with intimacy and connection in relationships, as well as treating the aftermath of trauma and loss.
If you’re interested in connecting with Megan or any of the therapists at Stella Nova, you can schedule a free, 20-minute phone consultation to get started today.
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